Pieces of Anna...this is not funny...

**DISCLAIMER*** I wrote this blog after a long emational night at work, after 2 weeks of agrivation...proceed with caution****



OK so I should say that I usually try my hardest to look at the bright side. I am so thankful for my life and my kids and have no right to complain...really I believe that. I choose to be happy and ignore the crappy things in my life...but after the last few weeks I've had...I feel like I am falling apart.

So today I want to use this post to complain about things in my life that just made me cry for an hour today. I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone these days, so even if I just post this and nobody reads it, or comments, I won't care. At least I get it off my chest and I will be able to get some sleep! I do have some good friends in my life, but they are divided into 2 groups...

People I would tell my problems too, and they would play the "Well let me tell you how much worse my life is" game.

And then the people I could talk to about my problems, and they would honestly care, but I don't feel like I could burden them with my shit, they have enough shit of their own to worry about.

And maybe I am afraid to talk to anyone, cause it would break my heart if they really did just blow me off and not have time for me. I would rather talk to the unknown people on the internet.

I am depressed...really...with a capitol D..(and maybe even a capitol E and P). I am so so tired of giving everything I've got, until I've got nothing left to give, and feeling like I am still expected to do more. My mother has been in the hospital for a week now, and those of you who know me, really know me, knows what that means. She's in the "closed unit" where we go when we have a mental breakdown. Apperantly she was outside her apartment threatning people with a knife...I don't really know the whole story, nor do I really give a shit anymore. (Is nor a word?)

Things just NEVER change. She takes her meds...is "ok" for awhile(which really, in normal people terms is still NOT ok)...then stops taking them, and back in the hospital. What's the point? I feel bad for her cause she is sick, and it's not her fault, but on the other hand I just CAN'T deal with it anymore. She expects me to do more and more and more for her. And what I do is NEVER right, and NEVER enough. It is so hard that I give so much of my time and emotional energy to her and I get 0% of postive energy from her. I get no joy out of my relationship with her. I am not even exagerating....I give her all I've got, and get nothing I need in return from her. What I wouldn't give to have a normal mom, or brother or sister, I could call and talk about these things with. The best part is I don't think she is going to have an apartment to go back to when she gets out. I have made it as clear as I can to who ever I speak to. She can NEVER live with me. My kids will not grow up the way I did. NO FUCKIN WAY!!! It just sucks, and I feel awful for feeling this way, but I can't do it anymore. So what do I do?

Then there is work, it's also sucking. I swear if an asshole or bad tipper is in the restaurant, they are putting them in my section. I have had made barly 10% on most of my tables all this month. Maybe I am bringing this bad karma with me to work, but I can't be any nicer to people, I really can't.

And now when I leave for work I am feeling bad. Alyssa and Jason don't want me to go. Shawn doesn't pay any attention to them, and I think when he does all he does is yell at them. Jason told me that "Daddy is mean" and I tell Shawn he yells at them too much and he doesn't care. He fights with Alyssa and tells her she's a brat...SHE IS NOT A BRAT. She is alittle girl who wants some attention from her daddy. Does he really want his kids growing up to hate him? Cause that's what's gonna happen.
Hopefully to stop this shit, I am gonna start working lunches. Maybe if I am home at night we can just all ignore grumpyass and that will be one problem solved. (or one problem successfully ignored)

I want to be a good daughter...but I don't have any more to give, and a big part of me doesn't care anymore.

I want to be a good mom...but I feel like the worst one ever when I leave them and go to work.

I want to be a good friend...but good deeds for me when I need help are few and far between.

I want to be a good wife...but I have a husband that doesn't seem to give a shit about anything.

I want to be a good employee...but it's hard to remember to bring the asshole at table 3 his tarter sauce when I am worried about everything else.

So what do I do? Maybe life isn't supppose to be perfect, but can't it just be easy for awhile?